how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
