Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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