I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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