ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
