Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
