like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
