Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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