How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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