Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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