Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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