The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
