I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
