I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
