Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
