Michael Bay diarrhea
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
