I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
