Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
