You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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