The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Buhtt sex?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
