We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
