My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
