im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
