i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
