wanna go halves on a baby?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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