john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
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