Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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