Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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