The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
