How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
