I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
