I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Randomize
