had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
