God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize