and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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