The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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