"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
