I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
