you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
