Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
