JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
