How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
