how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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