I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
