it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize