Someone shit on the floor
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize