I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
