i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
