this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
