Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
