so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
