I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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