I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
