Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
