i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
