Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
