Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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