chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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