4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
